Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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