The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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