mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
