Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
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