Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
