I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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