john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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