a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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