No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
he puts the penis in happiness.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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