just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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