I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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