Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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