Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
The best revenge is premature balding
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
