I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
