ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
