sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
