I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Randomize
