I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
