did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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