The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
