As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Randomize
