Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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