if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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