I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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