I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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