you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
