Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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