Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
