i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
