the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
