she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
