the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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