The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I love having hate sex.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
