you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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