Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
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