remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
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