Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
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