i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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