What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
