it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
