when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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