Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Bring me that man meat
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
