My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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