Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
