I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
