I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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