If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
