This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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