dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
