Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
